... yahoo OMG!: The Kris-James War ... (life coach, counselor, psychotherapist, clinical psychologist, psychiatrist, osteopath, quezon city, manila, philippines)

The Kris-James ‘war’: At what (emotional) cost?

By Maridol Rañoa-Bismark | Say Cheese! – 1 hour 40 minutes ago

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  Kris Aquino and James Yap

In a war, no one wins. And when the war centers on highly-visible parents, it is the innocent child who suffers all the more.

In the case of Kris Aquino and ex-husband James Yap, it is their five-year-old son Bimby, who emerges as the the worst casualty.

Take it from psychologist-life coach Dr. Randy Dellosa.

“Parental conflict, especially when intense emotions are displayed, is always psychologically toxic and traumatic for children. Children need to feel safe and secure in the company of their parents. When they’re  exposed to their parents’ emotional battles, they grow up feeling worried, afraid, depressed, angry, and insecure,” he says.

Those familiar with the latest Kris-James saga know Bimby saw his parents wrangling right in front of him. Kris even said that she saw the boy crying because he thinks his dad was not telling the truth.

Dellosa explains the heart-rending scene at the lobby of Kris’ place.

“Children want to be loyal to both parents but are sometimes forced to take sides. Sometimes, they even feel that they are the cause of their parents’ arguments.”

When this happens, Dellosa says many children start becoming a problem at school and at home. Others, he adds, cope by turning the table on parents. They start acting like adults towards their ‘immature’ elders.

Damage Control

Luckily, it’s not yet too late.  Dellosa says Kris and/or James can do some damage control to bring Bimby back on track, emotionally.

“First of all, it is important for Kris and James not to quarrel in Bimby’s presence. Secondly, both Kris and James should reassure him of their love and that he is not to blame for their problems. Thirdly, Kris and James should not badmouth each other in front of Bimby. And lastly, they should allow Bimby to express his feelings about his parents and about the situation,” Dellosa states.

For Dellosa, Kris was right in giving up her career so her son can have a quiet life

“Philippine showbiz is all about drama, controversy, and scandal and thus, it might be a good decision for Kris to leave showbiz if she really wants to live a simpler and more quiet life,” he explains.

What’s more important though, is for her to heal and learn from her mistakes.

The psychologist thinks Kris should learn how to interact with James in a more peaceful way and avoid jumping into a rebound relationship.

James needs help too

Let’s not forget James, who needs help as much as Kris and Bimby do.

“It’s important for James to let the dust settle first before making any further moves. He needs to give Kris and Bimby the physical and emotional space that they need. James himself needs to undergo individual counseling so he can deal with his emotional struggles and receive guidance on how to move on,” Dellosa stresses.

He advises Kris and James to get a relationship counselor so they can be civil towards each other and learn how to collaborate in parenting  Bimby.

“Kris and James should remember that they are still role models for Bimby even in the way that they deal with their conflicts,” Dellosa points out.

Parents, he explains, must teach their children to stay calm, rational and pro-active in times of conflict, instead of arguing emotionally or hysterically.

Finally, Dellosa borrows a line from Brad Pitt’s movie, “Troy” and addresses Kris and James.

“You’re still my enemy tonight. But even enemies can show respect.”

The line applies not just to Kris and James, but to other estranged couples and even ex-friends who want to keep their sanity when heated arguments threaten to cloud their judgment, and that of the very people they seek to protect.

... abs-cbn: coping with being single ... (life coach, counselor, psychotherapist, clinical psychologist, psychiatrist, osteopath, quezon city, manila, philippines)

pia gutierrez, beauteous news reporter for abs-cbn's patrol ng pilipino asked me how single people can cope with being single. 

first of all, single people shouldn't even be "coping" with being single.  the word "cope' gives the negative connotation that singlehood is an ordeal.  people liken singlehood to climbing mount everest by oneself and surviving its cold, harsh, and deathly terrain.  but why should singlehood be viewed in this way?

being single these days has become the lifestyle statement of the free spirit!  it's a powerful declaration of your choice to be emotionally complete unto yourself, without having to rely on others for your happiness.  being single is a celebration of your independence and of your vast opportunities for exploration, adventure, expansion, and self-love.  those in relationship can only get envious of you; their world has shrunk and they may feel trapped since they cannot enjoy the world as singles do!

so for those of you who are single out there, the whole world is your playground! go ahead, frolic in it and enjoy it to no end!  

  

... tv5: love is a never-ending story ... (life coach, counselor, psychotherapist, clinical psychologist, psychiatrist, quezon city, manila, philippines)

edwin morales and i had a discussion about love among old people.  

for me, it is always a heart-warming sight to see old people walking hand-in-hand and still in love with each other.  it tells me that love is real and that real love endures.  

for you younger couples out there whose love for each other still has to go through the test of time, here's a short story to reflect on:
  

Alzheimer's Disease

It was a busy morning at the emergency room when an elderly gentleman in his 80's arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He said he was in a hurry and had to leave as soon as he could. While taking care of his wound, I asked him why he was in such a hurry.

The gentleman told me that he  needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife. I enquired as to her health.

He told me that she had been in the nursing home for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer's Disease.

As we  talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late. 

He  replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him for five years now.

I was surprised and asked him, 'So why do you still go every morning, even though she doesn't know you anymore?' 

He smiled as he  patted my hand and said,

'She sure doesn't  know me... but I still know who she is.'

I had to hold back the tears as he left.  I had goose bumps on my arm.  In my mind, all I could think of was... THAT is the kind of love I want in my life.

I hope that the story inspires you to have an undying love for each other. I hope that you grow old together and remain lovers for keeps. 

... gma: christmas break-ups and ang SMP (samahan ng malamig ang pasko) ... (life coach, counselor, psychotherapist, clinical psychologist, psychiatrist, osteopath, quezon city, manila, philippines)

gma's news to go sent ralph rivas to interview me on christmas break-ups.  

personally, i think it's cruel to initiate a break-up with your partner during the christmas season.  needless to say, it's a tragic experience for your ex who gets to commemorate the break-up every christmas, until the time comes when she/he's able to move on.    

if you're the one who's been broken up with, here are some tips to help you survive: 

http://randydellosa.blogspot.com/2011/04/breaking-up-is-hard-to-do-relationship.html

even good things (such as relationships) sometimes come to an end.  and if the end happens to strike during the christmas season, nothing at this time is going quell the agony you feel, but perhaps you can use your bonding time with family and friends and a little bit of spiritual recharging to help you bear the pain.  

... discovering your husband is gay ... (life coach, counselor, psychotherapist, clinical psychologist, psychiatrist, osteopath, quezon city, manila, philippines)

abscbn's umagang kay ganda sent sandra tobillo and ariel rodriguez to ask me the question, "should a wife end her marriage upon discovering that her husband is gay?"  

there is no absolute answer here, because for most of life's complex problems, the answer depends on the situation. 

for sure, we have to take into account the wife's feelings that she had been deceived or betrayed. what ensues for her is an emotional roller coaster ride of shock, denial, anger, depression, guilt, and shame.  a general principle for the wife is for her not to make any major decision of separation until she's gotten off that emotional roller coaster ride.  major decisions are better made with clear minds; impulsive emotional decisions may be regretted later on.  

in clinical practice, the women i talk to with this sort of problem react in various ways.  many women will decide to stay in the relationship as long as the husband decides never to act on his homosexual urges again.  other women, without batting an eyelash, will wholeheartedly decide to separate.  and some women can tolerate or will not even care whether their husband is homosexual as long as "walang ibang babae at ako ang uuwian," they say.  

at the end, before the woman makes a final decision, she will have to consider the long-term effects of her decision on the children, parents, relatives, friends, financial status and obligations, and her emotional well-being. 

... Yahoo OMG: "The Mistress" with Bea Alonzo and John Lloyd Cruz ... (life coach, counselor, psychotherapist, clinical psychologist, psychiatrist, osteopath, quezon city, manila, philippines)

The well loved onscreen tandem, 

Bea Alonzo and John Lloyd Cruz reunite 

for Star Cinema's "The Mistress."

First, there was “No Other Woman.” Then came “The Mistress”, and now, “A Secret Affair.”

Why do stories about infidelity spring up like mushrooms these days?  What’s with all these moaning and groaning in dark corners while the innocent spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend is not looking? Just as important, why do movies that make peeping toms out of moviegoers make such a killing at the box-office?

Movies being the mirrors of life that they are, the answer is easy: we love being voyeurs.    Another thing is, even the most reclusive of people know of a mistress in their circle.  It’s something a conservative country like the Philippines is teeming with. And it’s grist for the gossip mill.

Psychologist’s view

Showbiz  psychologist Dr. Randy Dellosa thinks films about third parties create emotions so strong, people can’t resist queuing up to cinemas. He thinks there’s something in these movies for everyone.

“Those who have had a first-hand experience of secret affairs in their own relationship  will readily identify with the actress playing the mistress or commiserate with the anguish of the betrayed wife."

"Those unhappy in their current relationship may be drawn to such movies because of a subconscious wish to engage in secret affairs themselves,” he explains.

To be sure, not all mistresses are the same.  Some are cruel down to their bone marrows.  Others are simply in it for the money. The scenarios are endless.

As the Holy Bible says, judge not, lest ye be judged.

But one thing's sure -- mistresses make interesting characters.  There's never a dull moment with them.  And they're usually sexier, better dressed, even younger than the wife.

So their presence — on screen or off -- are riveting.  Think Anne Curtis ("No Other Woman)" and Andi Eigenmann ("A Secret Affair), whose role as third parties add spice and eye candy to the film.  Besides, when the faces — and the bodies — are these tempting, can moviegoers of both sexes resist?

This is the stuff blockbusters are made of.  So producers cash in on the money back guarantee as if there's no tomorrow.