Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Yahoo!: Why People Donate to Disaster Victims (life coach, counselor, psychotherapist, clinical psychologist, psychiatrist, osteopath, quezon city, manila, philippines)

Why People Donate to Disaster Victims
by Randy Dellosa

Super typhoon Yolanda wreaked havoc as she rampaged through the Philippines. The violent pouring of rain, the furious blasting of wind, and the torrential surging of flood waters pitifully soaked Tacloban and its surrounding areas into a lamentable state of calamity. 

When disasters of this magnitude happen, those who are directly unaffected by the disaster often display an overwhelming desire to help the victims. They may not necessarily go to the calamity area, but one way they offer help is through the donation of cash and kind. 

The word “donation” refers to the generous gesture of sharing to the needy. Donating time and effort, cash or kind to disaster victims is a charitable act. However, those who donate differ in their underlying motivations and reasons for doing so. 

What factors might influence people to donate to disaster victims?

  • Compassion. Many people donate out of true compassion. They empathize with the harrowing experience of the disaster victims and sincerely want to help them in their sufferings. These compassionate people feel the fear, grief, shock, and sense of vulnerability which disaster victims go through. Compassionate people know that another person's ordeal could have been their own so they are willing to go an extra mile in comforting those in need.  

  • Regional affiliation. Some people donate only due to regional affiliation or connection. For instance, a person from Tacloban who resides in Manila would obviously be concerned about the safety of his relatives and townsfolk in Tacloban. Had the calamity happened elsewhere, he might have cared less or not at all. 

  • Sense of accomplishment. Some people belong to socio-civic or advocacy groups and actually enjoy doing noble projects that uplift the lot of the people. For them, it is a joy to donate their time, money, and efforts for the benefit of the less fortunate. 

  • Guilt feelings. Some people donate out of guilt feelings. They feel a sense of shame as they bask in the comfort and luxury of their own homes while some countrymen of theirs are homeless, hungry, and drenched in the rain. Hence, to appease themselves of their emotional discomfort, they give donations to the victims.

  •  Sense of obligation. Some people donate simply because they’re expected to do so by their school, church, organization, or society. 

  • Image enhancement. Some people donate to earn so-called “pogi” points and gain press mileage. Actors, actresses, and politicians are notoriously known for this. They are deemed dubious and self-serving because they display their charitable acts for all to see.

  • Excess wealth. Some people donate from their excess wealth. They simply have too much luxury and the little bit that they give to the disaster victims is really inconsequential to them.

When we Filipinos act from a true spirit of compassion, it is not merely time and effort, cash or material kind that we donate. When we are truly compassionate, whatever we give to others is a sharing not only from ourselves, but also from deep within us.

Giving donations and doing charitable acts for disaster victims prove that our core values of bayanihan and damayan are still alive and not yet out-moded. We need to show the disaster victims that our pagkakaisa is not limited just to backing up our beauty contestants in international pageants or cheering for our boxers who compete in title fights.  In sharing to the disaster victims what we can give, we help to keep their hopes and spirit alive as we journey with them through thick and thin.

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Yahoo!: Pinoy Men Raped by Women (life coach, counselor, psychotherapist, clinical psychologist, psychiatrist, osteopath, quezon city, manila, philippines)

Pinoy Men Raped by Women
by Randy Dellosa

We all know that males can rape other males. Stories abound, for instance, of male inmates geting anally raped by co-prisoners. Every now and then, we also read tabloid news about straight guys getting sexually molested by unscrupulous gay men. And ever since the influx of Pinoy OFWs to countries in the Middle East, we’ve heard countless tales of male Middle Easterners using Pinoy men as a favorite outlet for their sexual urges.

But how about men getting raped by women? Can such incidents actually happen? I never gave these questions a thought until some male clients consulted me for psychotherapy after having suffered such an ordeal.

Jerome (not his real name) was one of those guys. Being a Dean’s Lister and varsity player in an elite school, this teen heartthrob always had girls madly swooning over him. At a party one night, he was given a drug-laced drink that made him black out. When he regained consciousness, he shockingly realized that he was tied to the bedposts with an unknown young lady straddling atop his naked body. He knew that he had an erection at that time but didn’t want to have one. Still woozy from the drink, he felt utterly weak and helpless and didn’t even have the strength to tell the lady to stop whatever she was doing. He again lost consciousness and when he woke up in the early morning, he was alone, untied, and still naked under a bed sheet. He rushed home feeling extremely angry, humiliated, violated, and puzzled about what had happened. Keeping the shameful experience to himself, this young man sank into a deep depression and lost all zest for living. 

Female-to-male rape happens in a condition wherein the male is rendered weak, unconscious, or unable to resist the sexual victimization. The easiest way for this to happen is for the woman to get the guy dead drunk, intoxicated with some mind-altering substance, or knocked-out by a tranquilizer or sleeping pill. Another common way is for the woman to use emotional blackmail in coercing the man to sexually penetrate her with his erect penis. Emotional blackmail can take the form of suicidal threats, threats to divulge the guy’s secrets, or threats to ruin his reputation, career, or existing relationships. A third way is to physically threaten the guy at gun- or knife-point. And lastly, especially for Amazonian women trained in martial arts, they could simply use brute strength to subdue the guy and tie him up.

Many people do not believe that female-to-male rape can happen. The main reason for this disbelief is that guys are generally the stronger sex and should therefore be capable of warding off unwanted advances by women. Secondly, guys are stereotyped to be sex machines that crave for sex all the time and should even welcome the "lucky" opportunity to be raped by a woman.  Thirdly, if an erection and/or ejaculation occurred during the rape, people quickly jump to the conclusion that the guy must have consented and enjoyed the sexual act.

The truth is that erections and ejaculations can occur outside of sexual pleasure. Medically, it can happen during sleep, in epileptic attacks, or from asphyxiation due to hanging. Even males who are quadriplegic can have them. And for some guys, their genitals are just so extremely sensitive that even the slightest non-sexual touch would immediately get them rock-hard. The bottom line is that erections and ejaculations are not evidence that raped guys consent to having sex.

So why do women rape? Some are nymphomaniacs a.k.a. female sex addicts who want sex by whatever means. Some harbor anger towards guys and retaliate through rape. Some want to get pregnant by a guy whom they like but who wouldn’t want to have sex with them. And finally, some are sexual sadists who take their dominatrix roles too an extreme by emasculating innocent men through forced sex.

As for the effects of rape, male survivors commonly develop low self-esteem, relationship problems, major depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, erectile dysfunction, psychosomatic illnesses, or addiction. Some men become hypersexual and engage in promiscuous sex with women as a subconscious attempt to prove that they are not gay or male weaklings.

Sex is an intimate act of love between two consenting adults. Rape however is a horrific experience because it is the forceful infliction of an act which is supposed to be beautiful, enjoyable, and intimate. If you are a male survivor of female-to-male rape or of any type of sexual molestation for that matter, you don’t need to suffer in silence. Through intensive and compassionate psychotherapy, you can get the help you need to regain your lost sense of masculinity and dignity.

Monday, November 4, 2013

Yahoo!: So is Freddie Aguilar a Cradle Snatcher? Understanding the Dynamics of their May-December Affair (life coach, counselor, psychotherapist, clinical psychologist, psychiatrist, quezon city, manila, philippines)

A psychologist’s view: why Freddie Aguilar fell for a very young girl

By Dr. Randy Dellosa, Your Online Shrink | Yahoo SHE – Mon, Oct 21, 2013 9:03 AM PHT

“6” seems to be the magic number in the latest showbiz controversy involving Freddie Aguilar. The 60-year old veteran folk singer admitted to being in love with 16-year old Jovi Gatdula in a relationship now going on its 6th month. With an age difference of almost half a century between them, their May-December affair should more aptly be called a January-December affair.

Philippine showbiz has had its share of May-December relationships, the more famous pairs being Dolphy and Zsazsa Padilla, Vic Sotto and Pauleen Luna, Vicky Belo and Hayden Kho, and the unforgettable tandem of Kris Aquino and James Yap. But if May-December affairs are a common occurence in showbiz, why is senior citizen Freddie getting flak for his relationship with Jovi? In social media websites, netizens have tagged him as a dirty old man, cradle snatcher, or even worse, a pedophile. Jovi, on the other hand, is perceived as a wild chick and gold-digger.

In reality, it is common and natural for older men to get attracted to younger ladies. A case in point is when husbands go philandering, they usually hunt for flings or get mistresses younger than their wives. In terms of evolution, males are biologically wired to select younger females for two reasons: (1) younger women have greater child-bearing potential than older females and (2) younger women have a greater chance of producing healthier offspring which ensures continuance of the human race. Hence, for Ka Freddie to choose a youngster, he was just functioning according to the dictates of his biological wiring.

Of course, Ka Freddie gets psychological perks from this May-December relationship, too. In real life, the possibility for a senior citizen to catch a frisky young thing is rather slim and almost nil. So for Ka Freddie to actually win Jovi’s heart is not only an achievement, it is short of miraculous! Ka Freddie has proven to himself that he still has the “mojo” to win a trophy girlfriend. What other guys just dream of, Ka Freddie has actually attained!

As for Jovi falling in love with an older man, there too is a psychological explanation for such behaviour. Scientific studies point out that teenage girls are more emotionally mature than their male peers by 2 years. It also is common for girls to gravitate towards “father figures.” And so, if teenage girls want to have an emotionally satisfying relationship, their tendency is to look for more mature boys with a fatherly streak in them. For Jovi then, it was a simple case of “overkill.” The boy of her dreams turned out to be more mature than anyone ever expected. She didn't just choose someone fatherly, she chose someone grandfatherly.

So the question remains, is Ka Freddie Aguilar really a dirty old man, cradle snatcher, or pedophile? The categorical answer is “no!” In an interview on television, Ka Freddie explained that he spotted Jovi at a campaign sortie and fell in love with her at first sight. He also revealed that Jovi looked physically mature for her age and “...was already my girlfriend when I found out she was only 16.” It wasn’t like Ka Freddie was intentionally prowling for vulnerable and virginal schoolgirls. He fell in love with an adult-looking young lady who unfortunately was of juvenile age. It was an honest mistake.

Because their relationship defies cultural convention, it is understandable that people would feel squeamish at the thought of their love affair. Nevertheless, we still need to respect the couple instead of bashing them. Who knows? Theirs could be true and lasting love after all.

Although Freddie and Jovi’s May-December relationship proves that love and passion are ageless, the fact remains that Jovi is still a pubertal lass. Their relationship therefore has to be under the strict supervision of Jovi's parents.

Personally, I do not endorse May-December affairs especially between seniors and minors, but since theirs is already existing with the consent of Jovi's parents, what more worthy advice could I give Ka Freddie except to go slow on passion and focus instead on building the solid foundations of their friendship. We also hope that Freddie guides Jovi into prioritizing her family and studies over anything else, and that he inspires her to become the mature and responsible adult that she ought to be.

Saturday, November 2, 2013

Yahoo!: The Near-Death Experience: True-to-Life Resurrection of the Dead (life coach, counselor, psychotherapist, clinical psychologist, psychiatrist, osteopath, quezon city, manila, philippines)

by Randy Dellosa - Yahoo

Ironic, isn't it? Everyone wants to go to heaven, but no one wants to die. 

Some people though have had the actual experience of being deemed clinically dead or close to dying, and then going to heaven (or hell), and coming back to life to tell about it! This is what we call a near-death experience, a resurrection, or the Lazarus syndrome.

Resurrection from the dead is a spiritual concept whereby the dead return to life. 

Medically, resurrection is known as the Lazarus Syndrome, based on the biblical character Lazarus whom Jesus raised from the dead. In the Lazarus Syndrome, people who have been pronounced clinically dead after failed attempts at cardio-pulmonary resuscitation (CPR) spontaneously come back to life. 

The phenomenon is more popularly called a near-death experience.

The near-death experience is described as a physical, psychological, and spiritual event. Although no two experiences are alike, the near-death experience generally proceeds through the following phases:

  1. Clinical death, or being at the throes of death.
  2. Separation of the person’s soul from the body. The soul may become aware that it is hovering over its physical body.
  3. Entering the Darkness and moving through a dark tunnel.
  4. Seeing the Light and entering it
  5. Being in an otherwordly spiritual realm of existence, either in a heavenly or hellish dimension
  6. Returning to the physical body on earth
  7. Being revived to life. 

While clinically dead and in heaven, people commonly experienced being in a state of profound peace, intense joy, and deep unconditional love. Some people met their loved ones who had passed away ahead of them. Another common experience was being in the presence of “beings of light.” These spiritual beings were usually recognized to be spiritual figures consistent with the person's personal religious belief system.

People who had a near-death experience commonly underwent a “life review.” The life review consisted of a stream of consciousness about the life that they had just lived. As their life flashed before them, they experienced for themselves all the good and bad feelings which they had made the people in their lifetime feel. Together with the beings of light, they assessed whether the purposes of their recent life had been successfully attained. 

Those who have returned from a near-death experience describe it as a spiritually powerful, deeply life-changing experience. They never became the same again. They stopped fearing death. Their life became more meaningful and purposeful. They became more spiritually-minded and compassionate towards others. Some developed natural psychic and healing abilities. 

Unfortunately, not all near-death experiences were reported to be positive events. Some people had hell-like experiences consisting of tormenting images and agonizing feelings of despair, terror, and guilt. These traumatic feelings were unforgettable and haunted the person throughout his "second chance" at life. 

Medical researchers think that the near-death experience is caused by oxygen deprivation, abnormal electrical surges in the brain, REM brain waves, and a release of “feel-good” or “feel-bad” chemicals in the dying brain. 

Scientific research on near-death experiences reveal the following findings:

  • Blind people who underwent a near-death experience had a normal sense of sight during their stay in the spiritual realm. 
  • Majority of non-religious people, agnostics, atheists, and even those who attempted suicide reported having “heavenly” experiences rather than “hellish” ones.
  • Many atheists who survived a near-death experience started believing in the existence of a Higher Power.
  • Those who were mentally or emotionally distressed on their deathbed seemed to be at greater risk of experiencing hell. 

So what do near-death experiences teach us? They remind us of the following:
  • that there is an afterlife,
  • that there is a Higher Power,
  • that ultimately, we are spiritual beings,
  • that the reason for our life on earth is to cultivate spiritual virtues and nurture our spiritual nature, and 
  • that the people who we think will go to hell might surprisingly end up in heaven (or vice versa). 

No, we don’t need to wait for a near-death experience to transform our lives. Now is the time for us to take stock of our lives from a spiritual perspective. After all, as pilgrims on this earth, life is fleeting and we’re just passing by.