The Illegal Wife: Psychology of the Kabit (life coach, counselor, psychotherapist, clinical psychologist, psychiatrist, osteopath, quezon city, manila, philippines)

The Illegal Wife:  Psychology of the Kabit

by Randy Dellosa

When I do counseling for betrayed women, the common sentiment they express about their husbands is this:  “Mas matatanggap ko pa na nagsakabilang buhay ang asawa ko kaysa sa nagsakabilang bahay siya. (It would have been easier for me to accept that my husband died than for him to have an affair.)

Tales of infidelity evoke a lot of emotions in us.  For the wife, we feel pity.  For the husband, we feel anger.  And for the mistress, we feel loathing and despise.  The mistress gets instantly branded as a wrecking ball, and gets blamed for being a home-wrecker.  Never mind if conflict was already brewing between the couple even before she stepped in.  By whatever name we call her, be it kabit, kerida, kalaguyo, or kulasisi, all fingers point to her as the kontrabida to the marital relationship.

As a psychotherapist, it’s not only betrayed spouses that I get to interview, mistresses too seek out counseling sessions for themselves.  From them, I’ve learned that not all mistresses are alike.  In fact, they could be categorized into the following types:

• The Accidental Mistress:  This lady innocently falls in love with a man whom she honestly did not know was married.  When she did find out about his marital status, it was too late.  Their lives had already become tightly intertwined, making it difficult for her to ship out.
• The “Like Mother-Like Daughter” Mistress:  This lady either had a mother who was also a mistress, or whose mother was the legal wife married to an unfaithful husband.  By being a mistress, she ended up having a relationship similar to that of her parents’.
• The “Father Figure-Daughter Figure” Mistress:  This lady seeks out an older man who acts like a “father figure” to her. 

• The “Fu*k Buddy” Mistress:  This lady is only after the sexual fun she can get.  She may not care too much whether her guy is married or not.  "Fubus" just want a sexual playmate.
• The “Desperate-for-any-Relationship” Mistress:   This lady has decided that she’s up for grabs with anyone who’s willing to take her, even if the guy happens to be married.  Her motto is “Any man, even a married man, is better than none.” 
• The Professional Mistress:  This lady may be the mistress of one married man, or the mistress of many married men.  She neither expects commitment from men nor wants to be committed to them.  She values her independence and freedom, and abhors being tied down by the obligations of a relationship.  She is like a perpetual and regular “date” who simply enjoys the best of what married men can offer her.   

• The “Wife Competitor” Mistress:  This lady wants to prove to the wife that she is the more desirable woman.  Her primary goal is to make the married guy get an annullment so they can get married.   

• The “Filling-in-the-Wife’s Weaknesses” Mistress:  This lady has traits, qualities, or skills which the married guy looks for in a girl but which his wife lacks. 
• The “Trophy Girlfriend” Mistress:  This lady is someone to show off and make other guys drool with envy.  The trophy girlfriend is usually treated like a princess.

• The “User” Mistress:  This lady exploits the married man for his financial and material resources.
• The “Should-Have-Been-the-Real-Wife” Mistress:  This lady is the woman whom the guy really wanted to marry, but for some reason, he ended up with another woman instead. 

If there's one advice I could give to women on the verge of entering an illicit affair, it would be a resounding “Don’t!”  As much as there are joys and perks to being a mistress, it also means being entangled in a sticky web of lies, secrecy, and emotional hurts.  

Because the mistress is in a relationship with a cheater, she never will receive full assurance that she herself won’t be cheated on.  

And for those of you who are already embroiled in an illicit affair, you might just need counseling sessions to preserve your sanity.